Chairborne Stranger

2008-05-22T03:24:00.003+03:00

I was feeling restless tonight so I walked to one of my favorite stores, Barnes & Noble. I came away with two small books which prompted this posting. The books are "As a Man Thinketh" by Allen, and "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White.

These are two very small books, but claim to hold some very important material. I wonder if it really is a matter of what I think that makes all the difference in something like I'm going through now. I hope so. I plan on giving it a shot. It would be nice to just wake up and think away some of the issues I'm having. Although Allen claims it isn't just another mind over matter or positive thinking work.

The Elements of Style just led me to want to write more, and to be good at it. To write well. The first introduction even mentioned how hard it is for even the most proficient writers to write well. So I did my best here. And I'll keep trying. I may even take a writing class in all my free time.

2008-05-20T00:21:00.000+03:00

Since there are a few people still checking in, I'll take the time to fill in some of the details of my deployment.

It's hard though, since now I am mentally incapable in some ways to keep up with the blog. Lack of concentration and disordered thinking make writing hard work. I am very restless thanks to the medicine I am on. I can't sit still. I can't run or walk because I hurt my feet running so much.

So I basically sit around my apartment, unable to read, write, walk, run, watch movies, or do just about any task to keep my mind occupied. Additionally I'm very jittery and restless and have to move around alot. That hurts my feet. Most weeks I sleep about 4 hours a night, maybe 5. Just recently thanks to medicine I've been getting 7 or 8 hours.

I'll try to keep writing. The PTSD is a tough nut. I guess I 'earned it'. In Iraq I was attacked by mortars, rockets, or small arms fire more than 35 times, or so. Including one major IED attack. I witnessed the deaths of more than 1/2 dozen people, and saw or heard or know of over 50 US Marines that died in my one year tour in Iraq. Not counting the Iraqi soldiers who we lost many to injury and death.

2008-05-10T18:41:00.001+03:00

Who will shoulder the burden for those that have served and now can no longer do that? The world is often a harsh and cruel place. I see plenty of veterans at the VA and Walter Reed missing limbs or eyesight. After all the pomp and circumstance, and all the parades and awards, who will remember these broken soldiers when the time comes and they need help?? We will be judged harshly for forgetting those who have fought and died for our country.

2008-05-10T18:33:00.001+03:00

I walk into the bedroom and into the living room. I can barely think about what I want to do. I can see what needs done but nothing seems to register or get me kick started. Sometimes the thoughts come and go, like fleeting shadows under the trees. Other times they are a little more substantial, like children playing hide and go seek among the oak trees and the meadow. I can see the thoughts appear from behind the tree or race across the meadow in my mind, yet I can never quite seem to catch up. Just a fleeting glimpse. This scares me more than you can ever know, I think.

2008-05-08T23:19:00.002+03:00

Yep, things are out of control... apparently I'm a crazy Army veteran now. I really haven't wrote much about it but what can I say. It's been a slow spiral down over the last year. Now I'm jobless, girlfriend less, and at one time, car less (having wrecked for the third time in recent memory)> if I even have a memory--as now I am diagnosed with severe PTSD, which causes lots of memory loss, problems with concentration, depression, and disorganized thinking.

Since I got lost twice going to work, that was bad enough for them to let me take a break for awhile. I spend most of my days now studying French and going to the VA for therapy and group. Like those guys from Vietnam, I'm them 30 years younger.

It's difficult to see life spin out of control, and to behave myself in terrible behavior, picking fights, and generally being an ass. I consider it a good day if I drive across town and don't fall right to sleep from exhaustion.

2008-03-03T02:55:00.000+03:00

I am going to post some more> Sorry I have been away so Long. Life has been a little out of control!

2007-07-07T21:37:00.000+04:00

Thanks to you all who stop by from time to time, I'll keep updating every once and awhile just to post and get the comments on. I am working on one to get out tonight.

2007-05-01T06:03:00.000+04:00

Well I haven't written in awhile-I've been busy with work and getting re-settled. It's taken me quite awhile to feel 'normal' again, and I still spend a lot of time thinking about Iraq and the war, Maybe becuase I do things like reading "Fiasco" all in one day. Some of my friends have already headed back over to Iraq or back into other assignments into the US Army. We'll see how things shape up for me. I miss the good parts; not so much the stupid shit.

2007-03-12T04:48:00.000+03:00

Well it has been some tough going, and really busy lately. I've started a new job and I'm working to get adjusted to that. Slowly readjusting to the normalcy of civilian life, though it is a far cry from all of the hustle and bustle of deployment overseas.

The latest from Walter Reed makes me wonder if the wounded from war will always be forgotten. Whether they knew it or not, caring for the wounded is another responsibility that comes with waging war. No need to try to brush these veterans under the rug and try to forget that they exist.

The bureaucratic indifference and the veteran system can be maddening. It will take time to see if they will fix the problems and take care of these folks.

2007-02-10T22:37:00.000+03:00

I really am going to try to write more frequently. It has been a bunch of changes since I got back. I've switched civilian jobs and started to move in a different direction in my life since I have been back.

I haven't spent much time on this blog or journaling lately since I have really been challenged to get back into a normal civilian life. After talking to some friends, many people struggle when they come back after a year in Iraq.

2007-01-02T02:34:00.001+03:00

Happy New Year. Remember all the US Troops deployed to combat zones around the world.

It has been a personal struggle for me to return to 'normalcy' and try to get back to every day life. I've had some problems in readjustment and gaining traction in living life in a more normal setting. I've been reluctant to write more on the blog thoughts on just working through it and not really spending time on this part of life.

Each day goes by and is a victory of sorts. The war in Iraq will be a defining event for many people in their lives, and this page isn't entirely written yet in my life.

More soon. Next day or two I hope.

2006-12-13T19:07:00.000+03:00

I have a post and pictures almost done--posting it soon.

2006-10-13T17:18:00.000+03:00

More to follow soon, and I swear I'm posting new pictures as soon as the cable company decides to cooperate with the internet connection.

PS And clams are pretty daggone happy.

2006-09-30T11:43:00.000+04:00

Life is pretty good right now, although there are still ups and downs. Becoming a civilian again seems to be a bit of a lengthy process, and with fitful starts and stops.

I used to spend a lot of time daydreaming, and now I've managed to cut that down some. Living in the present has been hard, anxious times come and go, hostility comes and goes. I try to not get too lost in my thoughts-some of this is my own personality and some of this is the recovery post-Iraq.

I've been a lot happier lately though, in living and getting reacquainted with the DC area. Sometimes life seemed to lack meaning, or at least seemed so trivial, but now that has pretty much past.

I am very thankful for my friends that are veterans and who understand what I am going through (or at least pretend to understand!). I wonder how long it will take to feel normal again, and maybe it will be awhile. Some of the things I enjoyed in my old life are coming back and I don't often sleep 16 hours a day, like I used to; though a few times I've gone to bed at 6 pm only to wake up at 7 am. A little known secret to sleeping is to use a night light-I guess I'm not that tough, but I can admit that using a night light is much better than the sheer fright experienced after a bout of nightmares. I didn't purchase a hand gun yet, though I wanted to in order to help me sleep better.

I often write through a less-than-rosy colored lens, and I am a self-admitted melancholia, but I want to assure you that I've been happy as a clam, even through the bouts of unbridled rage. Honestly, though, I know life is pretty grand and that includes the high price of gas and the fact I didn't win the Powerball.

I still have some pictures I want to post sometime.

2006-09-11T20:22:00.000+04:00

I realized today is September 11, after I got up and read the Post this morning. 5 years have come and gone. The article on the front of the Post catches my eye, the one about Anbar province being politically lost.

I wonder about this fact and what it means. What a shame, really. Because there are a lot of good Americans still in Anbar, right now, sweating and fighting and dying. I wonder about my experiences there in Anbar over the last year and what I went through and all of that pain and suffering, and how it will add up in the end. Besides the personal growth through suffering, what sum will all the parts add up to in what we have begun in Iraq?

Only time will tell how the war will end up and what will happen in the future is, as always, unclear and uncertain. On this day of memory of 9-11, though, do not forget your countrymen that woke up today in a bitter and hostile land surrounded by people that want to do nothing less than end their lives in a violent and unforgiving manner, who will gleefully sacrifice themselves in a blaze of glory and a loud explosion in order to put down a few of our service members overseas, these brave souls who really aren't any different than your son or daughter, father, brother, sister, or best friend.

2006-08-16T11:05:00.000+04:00

I am home now, back in the United States. I've been negligent in posting or updating and I apologize. I have been home for over a week now and it has been a bit in adjustment.

Readjusting to home life isn't quite what I thought it would be. It was about a week to finish up out processing before being released on leave, and that time was a bit of a blur, with a lot of administrative requirements.

I've spent a lot of the time back irritable and edgy, random periods of sleep, and fiddling around with not much of anything. It is slower here and not a life lived on the edge, for sure. Equilibrium is off, emotions are as well. I can't say I was even happy to get back at first, if anything, I was depressed and anxious. I wasn't one of those guys kissing the ground when we got off the plane. There's a whole world back in Iraq that most people know nothing about, maybe a news clip or article if that, and they will never know. For some it will not even give them a pause as they go through life, which to me didn't seem right the first day back in the US. All the people back in Iraq live a very foreign life from existence here in the US. I can see how veterans have a hard time adjusting as this is like trying to make a 180 degree direction change while going very very fast.

I plan on posting a few more times and throwing up some more pictures once I dig through them. Not sure where the blog will go from here, but I have some more to write on both Iraq and life now back in the US, kind of wrap up the tour and complete the blog, if you will.

2006-07-18T22:43:00.000+04:00

Donkey cart racing

2006-07-18T22:39:00.000+04:00

Hanging in town

2006-07-18T22:34:00.000+04:00

Iraqi Taxi cab in town

2006-07-18T22:28:00.000+04:00

Great truck

2006-07-12T23:35:00.000+04:00

News from Baghdad is sobering. Life around Iraq is a give and take out there. Sometimes that taking is of life. It is unfortunate how it goes. Mainly I try not to think about it because it is depressing.

I haven't been writing for awhile. I just haven't had the heart. There's always something going on, so that hasn't been it. I spent just the other day on visits to forward posts in the most dangerous part of the entire AO, that has taken the lives of people I know and always explodes at the least opportune time. 4 hours of that and I was just about wiped out. I have a terrible time in the heat as it is, plus the stress, and it's about 117 degrees a day here, plus I carry 50 plus pounds of crap, my back is killing me, my helmet traps more heat, so I get heat exhaustion a lot. I spent the rest of that day in bed, vomiting, and then I slept for 14 straight hours and missed the Wold Cup. On the positive side, I had AC to sleep in and the opportunity to view the World Cup. So that is good.

With the days winding down, it is time for reflection over the past year spent in a complex, harsh, and dangerous environment. The realm of emotions the average soldier experiences in just one day is amazing, let alone for an entire year. I always wonder what others feel, if it's similar. I enjoy writing about my experiences and my thoughts, so my most valuable people in my life read this-my family and friends.

As far as the Haditha stuff and the other terrible things that happen, 99.9% of the Soldiers and Marines here serve with honor in dangerous and terrible conditions. Give them credit and buy them a beer. As for what happened in those dreadful incidents, like in Hit or Haditha, who am I to judge? Those people have gone through something unlike most people even here will experience. The loss of life in a violent manner, the death of their friends, the questioning and haunting nature of the aftermath. At times people reach a limit where they break. I pray to God that I don't have to experience it.

People have always asked what it is like or how things are, or what it will be like to leave.

I am not jumping up and down with joy to leave. I am not leaving satisfied, or feeling like the mission is done. I am not even always relieved. When I do feel relieved, I always feel intense guilt about my friends that are still here, or those that didn't make it.

It is very frustrating and at least now, unfulfilling, to think about leaving. There is so much accomplished over a year, but it is also easy to get down thinking about the mistakes made, or what I could have done better, or how things should be. Often, it feels like I'm beating my head against a wall trying to get people to do things they just don't want to do. I wish I could do it over or stay longer in order to make a fresh start or do a better job, or at least try a second time to make a difference. Half the time it is just like treading water, or it feels that way anyway. That's without even throwing the Iraqis into the mix, who are an entirely different animal then American troops.

That could be the essence of military leadership-trying to get people to do things they just don't want to do. There's a lot of events that occurred that I just wish I could do over. Something else I find either amusing or frustrating, depending on when you ask me, is that people just don't like to admit they are wrong. They know they are wrong, they just won't 'fess up. I guess I'm odd because I'll easily admit mistakes. Others, they love to play the blame game, to deflect their obvious and many shortcomings onto other people, to cast doubt on what occurred, who will tell evil, terrible lies about others so they look like a hero. Grown men that act like children. Very illuminating as a life experience.

Of course there are the parts of the life experience that will stay with me forever, in not so good a way.

For anyone reading that hasn't been to Iraq or thinks about joining the military--this isn't a game. Because a lot of people come here thinking it's a game, it's 'Cool', like the movies, or a damn video game. This isn't about shiny dress uniforms and marching around in a square, or impressing the ladies, or the 4th of July and apple pie, or boot camp and pushing troops. In Iraq, and Afghanistan, and every other little squalid shit hole that American troops get sent to, that's the real deal, what the Army is really all about. So if you want to join the military to finance your education, or to impress your friends, or get a leg up on life, that's great, do it. The American military has been helping people out for centuries in that regard. But realize one thing-today you will pay for that education, or that shiny uniform, or for your chance to tell cool stories and push troops. And here is how you will pay--you will experience combat-and it isn't a rose parade. It isn't "cool." It isn't a great video you want to make to show what a warrior you are. It's experiencing fright, and terror, and crashing out of bed in the middle of the night in indescribable fear while reaching for the loaded handgun under the pillow, and the thoughts of never making it home again to see family and friends and loved ones. You will see death, and destruction, and violence and the remnants of violence. The smell of blood and burnt flesh. Burning cars. Loud explosions. People with their bodies torn and their skulls smashed. Body bags filled with vibrant young men who will never walk and talk and laugh again. So don't come for the glory, because you will be sorely disappointed the first time a 19 year old kid is in tears beside you becuase his buddy just disappeared before his eyes. There won't be any glory-just a sick empty guilty feeling and a desire to do better the next time, to hope you can keep your men alive with honor, while still accomplishing the mission that America sent you to accomplish, while doing it the right way .

2006-07-04T22:11:00.000+04:00

It isn't all desert

2006-07-04T21:55:00.000+04:00

Iraqi farms

2006-07-04T21:38:00.000+04:00

The kids love us

2006-07-04T21:31:00.000+04:00

Out and about

2006-07-01T23:29:00.000+04:00

Life is pretty good right now. I have a bunch of pictures once I get around to downloading them and sticking them onto desktop.

Spent a fair amount of time operating out in Iraq the last week. It's funny how I got used to it here now. The heat and sand and danger all just run together into something almost like 'normalcy.'

Sat on an IED cordon with a bunch of my Iraqis for about 3 hours the other day on a major Iraqi highway. Just kinda hanging out until we could defuse the thing. VERY hot, I must say. I drank a lot of water at about 120 degree temperature. I don't think I will miss that part of Iraq. I sure was soaked in sweat.

Our countdown got pushed back a bit so we'll be outta here sometime in August now. Just more time to enjoy the heat! I've embraced it.

Being out in Iraq in July is pretty damn hot. I've told some friends this before-if you want to know what it feels like, go to your local hardware store and get some sand. Go home and heat some water until it's almost boiling. Put it into a plastic water bottle. Jam a football helmet down on your head. Plug your hairdryer in and blow it all over your face until your skin is red and parched. Every so often throw sand in your face and eyes. Make sure you put some chapstick on so the gritty sand sticks to your lips. Drink as much of the hot water as you can. Repeat.

2006-06-19T22:44:00.000+04:00

Some of the latest news from Iraq is severely depressing, including the missing soldiers. That's a soldier's worst nightmare come true.

I went on a local civil affairs patrol to meet the local Iraqi populace and see how things are going in some of the towns around here. The Iraqis are always happy to see us so that is positive progress.

Things always pop up when you least expect it = we responded to some shots fired on an Iraqi patrol. It ended up being a drive by shooting but it was high adventure racing through the town streets. Not much different than being a beat cop I suppose.

2006-06-04T20:47:00.000+04:00

Life is good right now. At least for me. Lots of guys are anxious and ready to go and I'm just happy to be alive and doing what I'm doing. Not stressful every day or anything like that.

I have some requests for photos and the like and as soon as I download my camera and network the photos in I will post some more soon.

Everything is AOK from my end. I'm habitualized to Iraq right now and not really stressing it.

2006-05-24T22:14:00.000+04:00

Life rolls on here in Iraq. Things have been moving right along, though I'm pretty used to living in a combat zone, or at least I feel like I do, no big worries or fears of attacks or anything. Nothing like the first few months worrying about my sanity, though it makes for sweet dreams.

So I'm really in a pretty good mood. Care free even. New job, new digs, new group of people to hang out with, room to myself even-big bonus, that is. Ice cold AC. Shower in the same building that my room is in! But my faucet doesn't work in the kitchen. Life doesn't get better in Iraq. Everyone should try it-experience of a lifetime so they say.

I could stay in Iraq much longer now that I'm used to it. Even the Iraqis don't irritate me that much. But a lot of the Americans do get on my nerves now, I must admit. I'm pushing 400 days with these guys.

Count is getting close to just 50 days in country.

The 14 hour patrol with my 45 plus pounds of gear was a pleasant jaunt. Semper Fidelis, those Marines love to walk.

Most of the stuff just goes with the territory. 4 and 5 hour reconnaisance patrols in the "hotter" part of the AOR is just another day in Iraq. Though hot as hell, 110 degrees. SUCKS. Got sick, from either stress or the heat or both, spent the night in bed and puking. Lovely that. Less Diet Coke and more water as the medic hounds me now. With my rehydration salts mixed with grape Gatorade I can't go wrong.

I'm really not a fan of the heat at all. Makes that one year tour in the desert feel like a true hell, with that suffocating heat. Can't wait until even the night times are 90 plus degrees.

4 mile run today though so it must not have been that bad.

Get to spend a majority of my week on convoys tooling around the Sunni Triangle and the Euphrates River valley corridor. Not a lack of sights out there to see, that's for sure.

Finally got a bug zapper. Oh the joys of hearing those mosquitos die in my zapper. No more slathering up with Off!or Cutter before bed time.

Even started regularly brushing and flossing of the teeth again, a tell-tale sign that spirits are high. What do I do to treat myself in Iraq?? Bust out a brand new toothbrush. Oh the joys.

2006-05-12T12:51:00.000+04:00

Things have been going all right here. I've just come to accept the inherent danger of living in Anbar and I've actually been in a good mood lately. Finally over being sick and have my strength back and all that. Eating good food at the US FOB helped out for sure, plus plenty of rest.

A few incidents around the area, the Marines have their own battles and problems. Iraqi Army is continuing on, and they have their own quirks.

I realize I'm almost halfway through the month of May, which isn't a bad thing at all. Being sick and incapacitated I kinda lost track of time and entire days.

The summer heat is on its way. Triple digits is the norm every day, not as bad as the 125 degree weather that will make its appearance mid-summer. Always pleasant, that.

Looking to make a possible job change soon and take up at a new location. It will be a pleasant break from the norm and the daily drama that I get to experience. You'd be surprised at the amazing amount of drama involved with a bunch of grown men in the army. "Days of Our GIs" if you will.

2006-05-06T13:42:00.000+04:00

Just got out of bed after a week of being sick. Literally did not move for days, when I woke up today I had to ask what day is it. We call this wonderful sickness "Saddam's Revenge" and it's lovely. Nausea, diarrhea, dehydration, muscle weakness, stomach cramps, headaches, shakes, fever. Never felt so weak and ill. Twice I thought we were getting attacked at our camp and all I could do was lay there and groan "Go away."

I will write more once I dig out.

2006-04-21T19:45:00.000+04:00

Most of the time life in Iraq is very boring. Even combat patrols (yes, I can go on 3 and 4 hour combat patrols and eventually my mind will drift away to thought of steak fries, or a cold beer, or short skirts, lately it's been Kate Moss, I think maybe last weekend's Times had something to do with that).

That fact of life has changed lately. The Iraq being boring part, I mean.

The whole Iraq sliding into civil war thing-well I don't really know about Baghdad, other than what I get from the news, and secondhand from the Iraqis, but Baghdad is bad--very very deadly. Out west in al Anbar province there aren't any ethnic mixes to get the tensions up, no Shias or Kurds hanging out and providing the Sunni insurgents something to attack.

So is this a civil war? I don't know-but it sure is war.

The last few weeks have been some of the busiest ever in my part of Iraq. Events of the days kind of run together, but there are notable memories-big attacks on the Iraqi camps, mortar attacks on Marines that killed and wounded dozens, Iraqis shot and seriously wounded on patrol. The (accurate) sniper that floats in and out of here and has killed a bunch of Marines and Iraqi army soldiers. The ever-present IED attack-some guys hitting 3 IEDs in the same day. That's a record I think.

Most of the events run together and I never know if I can seriously believe what I am seeing and hearing anymore. Some of the events I wasn't present at, but I still see the effects. Or get to hear the talk afterwards about what happened to who.

Visiting young Marines in the hospital that have been touched by the physical violence is a bit heartbreaking. Talking to a young Navy Corpsman that spent the last few weeks trying to patch up his close friends and buddies, fix Marines in the middle of chaos and destruction, that have been shattered by the curtain of debris and metal caused by mortar attacks, with too many wounds for him to fix. What do I say to a 19 or 20 year old kid that lost some of his friends right before his eyes, in his arms, trying to do the impossible given the nature of the trauma? I don't have anything to say, I just feel like a big asshole standing in front of him.

Iraqi soldier brought in off patrol, bleeding from entry and exit wounds in the stomach and back, very lucky to be alive, possible spinal damage as the high velocity 7.62 bullet tore huge holes into his body. The Navy medical staff seems to bring some type of order to the whole thing, cleans him up and bandages him, but it still sucks to look at this poor guy laying on the cot with nothing going for him but a lot of courage.

2006-04-21T13:26:00.000+04:00

2006-04-21T13:11:00.000+04:00

On patrol in the Euphrates river valley.

2006-04-21T11:19:00.000+04:00

Well this should be the 100 day mark, as far as I can tell. Double digit days will be nice.

2006-04-16T00:34:00.000+04:00

Yeah, Anbar is heating up. No rest for the weary. No shortage of activity either. What rock did these insurgents come out from under? News from the area is not good.

Lots of times there are so many things that happen that I don't even have time to capture, write down, or think about, until later. Even then it all just kind of flows together, one big happy dream here in La-La Land. Events that happen now just seem to blend together in one big messed up life story.

Conversations with soldiers and officers that I respect, often take interesting turns as we confide in each other. Sharing thoughts of anger, depression, sometimes the feeling of hopelessness or loss that can be so poignant. Attendance at memorial services for fallen comrades can do that to a guy. I've written about my time in formations, mourning those who have died fighting here in Iraq. I totally understand where they are coming from when people our age, or even in some cases, their son's age, are dying in horrific, violent deaths.

Life seems to disappear so casually here in Iraq. The faceless, nameless insurgent that guns down two or three servicemembers in the space of seconds. The violent explosions from IEDs and mortar attacks that send shrapnel everywhere and devastate. The people left that have to carry on, move past the loss, pain, and grief.

When a young Marine is in my office, we shake hands, share some stories. Always these guys seem so eager to just be there, in the 'glorious' battle, after all, this IS what they volunteered to do, to fight. I've written about this before, and it happens here from time to time, just as it has now, that Marine that stops by for a chat and a cup of coffee, he's the next fallen hero, gone before the next sunrise. Very sobering to talk to someone about family, home, good times, summer fun, and that will not be the case anymore for them.

2006-04-13T20:51:00.000+04:00

Yep, it's official. It's crazy around here. Pure absurdity.

2006-04-13T14:16:00.000+04:00

Ok, boy things have been busy. I knew I shouldn't have posted that last post-this place exploded on Saturday! The biggest attack we've ever had, literally dozens of insurgents running around out there firing automatic weapons and RPGs at one of our OPs.

The good thing (or the bad thing, depending on how you look at it), I'm normally at the camp that got attacked, but the last few days I've not been there. So I spent most of the attack rolling USMC elements as reinforcements into the battle. The soldier part of me regrets not being in the fight, for sure. Big battle. An hour at least. Thousands of rounds fired, as well as rockets and RPG's. Again, like I always say, God bless the USMC, they saved our ass.

Luckily, our Iraqi Army gave them hell. 18 insurgent bodies recovered with many more dead drug away. We took a coupla dead and some more wounded. But we kicked their ass. This is the first actual big engagement for the Iraqi Army here and they fought like champs.

There are always sad stories though, and all is not fair in love and war. The Marines lost a great young guy, and we had one IA officer killed-an awesome guy that died a hero, and the same fellow making marriage plans here in town. Sucks, bad.

2006-04-06T13:57:00.000+04:00

Things have been settling down in my little piece of the sand box, though. The fight has shifted to Baghdad. My Iraqi unit has settled into it's very own battle space. While this causes some tension for us American military advisors (reliance on the Iraqis for offensive and defensive capabilities, fears of safety due to insurgent spies, lack of US comforts), over all it has been a positive development for this corner of Iraq. Violence has calmed relative to the rest of Iraq.

The Iraqi citizens have taken to the whole thing as well. The sheiks and the mayor seem quite happy to sit down with the Iraqi Battalion commander (versus Marine commanders). The sames ones that I used to think were going to poison my tea now even seem happy to see me sometimes when we have the sheiks' meetings. Iraqis are running Iraq around here.

So who knows the outcomes? There's no tension in the air in my part of Iraq. It's a Sunni area. There aren't massses of Iraqis carrying pitchforks and torches. No civil war fervor around here. Some of the younger single male Iraqi soldiers have even met Iraqi women in town and talk of marriage is in the air. Go Figure.

2006-04-04T15:21:00.000+04:00

The last few weeks have been incredibly busy. I haven't had much time to do much of anything, let alone get on the internet and stay in touch with friends and family. The nice thing is all the time really flies, and I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My area of Iraq in al Anbar has certainly been busy, we've had IED's aplenty, and small arms engagements, sniper fire, demonstrations. But nothing like the news reports on Baghdad. The real violence is in Baghdad right now. It's a deadly place. One of our interpreters never made it back from vacation-he was executed in his car with one of his friends by insurgents in Baghdad.

The real issue is the ethnic conflicts right now. Baghdad is a patchwork quilt of ethnicity, like many big cities (Chicago and NYC come to mind). The real flashpoints are around the edges and in mixed neighborhoods. Anbar has very few Shias-it's all Sunni out this way. Fallujah has like 27 families that aren't Sunni.

My area has been a bit busier. One of the outposts I was at got hit by an attack that went off and on for about 30 minutes and spilled out into the city. Gunshots tend to get your attention.

Random mortar attacks keep us on our toes. I've probably got 25 or 30 of those under my belt.

I've been up and down the highways a bit more. I'm getting a bit used to, de-sensitized, whatever you want to call it, to the violence and threat of violence. Constant worry and stress about IEDs and insurgent attacks do nothing but bring down effectiveness and cause shakiness.

More soon.

2006-04-03T23:52:00.000+04:00

Hey guys, everything is great. All is well, this has been a great day.

I have been very very busy. I will post a long comment soon.

2006-03-20T05:55:00.000+03:00

Well I have finally gotten settled down back into a routine here in Iraq after my R and R trip to Australia (Sorry I couldn't meet up with any of you guys and gals from the blog).

I've been back and out in an the local area living with the Iraqi Army. Very interesting (and isolated) times. Usually very boring, punctuated by the random small arms engagements that break out near or at our location.

Although I will admit that since I got back from leave these weeks have been some of angriest and depressed days I've had here. It really sucks to come back from a month away and all that R and R time in sunny, normal Australia back to (an admittedly) sunny and entirely screwed up life in Iraq, with all of these publicized problems of "civil" war breaking out around here. It was nice to be able to read a paper or grab a coffee without lugging my rifle around with me while on R and R.

I will say that, for all the press, in my area of Iraq I haven't seen any crazy civil wars or even more violence, it seems to be about the same as always. And I live in the 'volatile' al Anbar province.

So right now I'm just hunkering down, digging in for the next few months. No word on a return date yet, but holding out for that soon. Getting close to the 8 month mark, and that 100 day mark.

2006-03-05T01:56:00.000+03:00

Sydney Harbor and the Opera House

Great shot of the ocean

PS Nice rocket attack on camp at dusk. Welcome back! 2 rockets-one whizzed right over head, tree top level.

2006-03-04T11:12:00.000+03:00

Well I am back now, working my way back into the 'mood' to be in a war zone. It is a just a bit depressing, lol. Australia was awesome.

I tried to post some pics but they wouldn't upload right now-blogger was having some kind of issue. I'll try again later.

I really spent an awesome two weeks in Australia, and my buddy Yossarian showed up to enjoy it with me. I got there in time to see the Super Bowl (Go Steelers) in the Sydney Casino and then spent a great week in Sydney. I visited all of the great beaches, like Manly and Bondi Beach and man! that ocean and sand was awesome. I thought my tan turned out pretty well. The babes at the beach weren't too hard to look at, even the ones that chose to go topless.

Australians are friendly for sure, and their country is awesome. Great seafood down in Sydney Harbor and great beer. We enjoyed plenty of the night life, too. Heard plenty of great music, even Sophie Hawkins in the Basement.

Melbourne is a pretty cool place to go and it had a ton of different night life and restaurants. That was a nice coupla days. Reminded me of Europe. Visited some great jazz places.

Then we went to Brisbane and around the Gold Coast area, that's a nice little town with a great night life. Best place we stayed was in Brisbane, for sure.

The Great Barrier Reef was awesome, did some snorkeling (not enough time to dive before I flew again), and that ocean is awesome, plus some of the whitest sand I've ever seen.

The trip was one of a lifetime, for sure, and I think it's great the Army paid for the airfare as part of my R and R package. That helped make the trip that much better. It's worth 10 or 12 days in Australia to see all of the great stuff, now that I've been, I'd go back to visit a few more places and go back to some of my favorites.

Wish I could have had more time to make it out to Perth and more of the Outback, so I'll have to go back to check those out, for sure.

For now I'll be working with the Iraqi Army and doing the whole combat thing. Keeping my head down and all of that to stay safe.

2006-02-25T12:34:00.000+03:00

Reader's note: I am currently reviewing all comments before I publish them. It is just better that way. I guess my blog is widely read enough to generate a number of humorous hate anon comments about how I am a terrible soldier, anti-war, anti-President Bush, cowardly, or just down-right no good.

To the folks that read all the time-I still enjoy your comments. It just may take a week or two to get them published depending on how often I can check the blog.

___________________________________________________

I am currently back in Iraq at a random air field waiting for a flight to connect to my home station in al Anbar.

Woke up to my first explosion the other day. Welcome back!

Things seem to have gone a bit down hill if the news is accurate--demonstrations, curfews imposed, mosques blown up, this civil war thing again. How do I get myself into these things?? LOL. Currently looking for an iPod version of that Guns N Roses song to listen to.

It would be nice if these guys would figure out just what they want out of life for their country instead of the current situation.

2006-02-24T13:53:00.000+03:00

Well, visited the Great Barrier Reef in Cairns and now I am on my way back, I will have to post about some more of my trip (and pictures!! for you guys) but right now I am on a public computer with a sticky keyboard paying for internet while waiting on a flight, so that might not be good.

Also, I see that Iraq has not quieted much since I left and that they keep trying to throw around this "civil war" thing. What the hell??? All those bombings and people in riots aren't doing much to help my post-R & R ease that I had!!

2006-02-16T11:40:00.001+03:00

Well, I am not back yet. I'm taking a slight break to post on the blog.

I have been doing a bit of partying in Sydney, some jazzing in Melbourne, and out to Brisbane for a bit. Now to finish up strong before heading back to the sand box.

Hope all is well.

2006-02-16T11:40:00.000+03:00

2006-02-16T11:31:00.000+03:00

Blogging from the Down Under-I am not back yet- Very happy about that fact-we have been on the whirl wind tour of the east coast hot spots-and having way more fun than I have in the last few months.

I've been jazzing it up in Melbourne, partying in Sydney, beaching it up around Brisbane. Pretty good time, I must say.

Hope all is well.

2006-02-03T11:16:00.000+03:00

It takes a long time to get to Australia from Iraq. I sat for days at some desolate airfield in Iraq. I am now in Kuwait, sitting at another airfield, tickets are issued and I will be in Australia in time for the Super Bowl. Go Steelers.

2006-01-28T01:51:00.000+03:00

Well, I haven't been in the mood to blog lately and I've been terribly busy. I've been either pissed off or down so I really didn't know if I'd get around to posting.

I won't be able to keep up with everyone's blog as easily, (or even write a post for Wordaholism-dang-working on that one) so I won't be able to comment as much, or even post frequently. I apologize ahead of time for being unable to frequent the net as much. I'll be out of the loop again soon for awhile-R and R leave! Finally here, away from hell. Won't miss it here a bit.

My new life will be interesting, with the move and occupation of a new area. I don't know if I should write more about the dangerous parts of Iraq, because my folks are really worried after finding my blog, since some asshole brother clued them in on it.

Hilarity continues in Iraq, if you can believe that, for example, I was crashing in a new room with one of my buddies, CPT L, who has made his way into the blog every now and then, and an electrical fire started in his room. The wall socket was spewing out smoke and ejected the plug that was in it, and the wall high up near the ceiling literally exploded out, creating a hole that was shooting red, white, and blue sparks out into the room like a mini-geyser. This went on for like a few minutes and I called out to tell CPT L that the damn room was on fire. The sparks subsided down to just a smoldering red light, like coals in a small fire, and I thought I was having one of my night terrors (check out the link below on the right if you are new to the blog), so you know what I did? I rolled over and went back to sleep. We woke up a few hours later and the wall was still smoldering and CPT L was like, You coulda woke me up? I told him I tried to yell to wake him up and then figured I was having one of my dreams. Apparently, my reputation grows and I'm a freak show around here. LOL

I won't have to worry about my new digs for awhile, pretty soon I go on R & R-I've been trying to plan a trip to Australia since April 2005 with a buddy of mine who is stationed out with Eunuch. He can't go, so my good friend Yossarian made plans to go to Australia while I was out in the bush. It was pretty humorous to hear over the FM admin net that I needed to get in touch with Yossarian in order to pull together a trip to the Down Under. With any luck, I'll make it there. Or Yoss will be there by himself.

I thought it was pretty funny that I spent the last few hours watching the National Lampoon's European Vacation with the Iraqi officers. Very amusing to explain Chevy Chase and John Cleese to them, and watch as they toured around Europe.

I leave you this as some food for thought, a different opinion for sure, and ties along with a little conversation I was reading on Wunelle's blog. I don't agree with the article; I found it interesting though.

2006-01-24T22:29:00.000+03:00

So I'm back (for now)-I've been out and about-new digs are ok but there is no internet, unfortunately. There are a lot of Iraqi Army around and shadowy insurgents in town, but not much else. I'm thinking that this blog will turn into more of a random update blog now, and I'll be posting every 10 days or so, give or take a bit. I'll still be online this week, but starting next week I will be forced to blog intemittenly. My mid-tour leave is coming up soon, for one, which will give me a very much needed 25 odd days away from my life here, and then back into hell to enjoy the dreaded coming of the hellish-temperatures.

So anyway, Go Steelers, I was in a bit of a foul mood-ok a really dark mood, until the Steelers won, which cheered me up-how a football team can cheer me up-of course it was also time for Black Monday, the most depressing day of the year. I will admit I haven't been so down in a very long time.

I read a funny little story in Reader's Digest once about a Steelers family who's moods went up and down as the Steelers performed, either poorly or well. It's funny that's how it is for me and I think many fans of the Black and Gold. The story continued to inform that the family finally moved to NY and became Giants fans (Blah on the Giants) but they maintained their affection for the Stillers. As the Steelers win, so go our hearts.

We work in a new opeartions area, it is...busier than the one that we moved from. I usually hang out supervising the operations with a bunch of Iraqis and Marines. Of course, there are random patrols through the week, in tiny little muddy streets of Iraqi towns, with hovels all around, and trash, and little kids, and snipers, and insurgents, and IEDs, and crazy Sheiks that want to kill me and give me poisoined chai team. Every so often I stop and think about both how surreal my life has become and yet how normal it all seems now. Or I just think about chicks. That always passes the time (don't say a word, Kate).

As a funny little sidenote, I'm a fan of Catch-22 and so is my lifelong friend (well since 1986 or some shit) Yossarian, and I always forget to mention on the blog that we do have a Major Major here. That just seems fitting.

I couldn't quite get into the swing of things to blog, hence "Go Steelers," the only positive thing I could come up with, guys, the last weekend was pretty rough and I felt like I had let a lot of people down in my life, so I was consumed by guilt feelings. There's a lot to be said for both the why and how (I'd say more, but I have to live with these people for 6 more months in a combat zone with lots of loaded weapons around-I'll save it for the journal, I guess), it's an unfortunate situation I am placed in, in many ways, and I always feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and in constantly feeling like I've somehow discredited myself and the US Army for just not making things work like they should. As a wise combat war horse told me "I'm aghast." Anon commenter got me into more self-introspection (not sure that was even possible, Anon-whoever the hell you are-and with something quite less than tact, I might add), but when I got back I saw my good friend Pk had posted about honor and where it has gone. Which I hope I serve with honor and I try hard at it. Though I know there were times I didn't do what I should, or I didn't feel like I did the best I could, and I've blogged about this before, if you'd kept up with my blog, right down to the fact that sometimes (often) I sink into depressing 12 and 14 hour sleeps without even taking off any of my clothes (loaded pistol included) and without brushing my teeth. It's just another Catch-22 in my life-I am at a point where sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is pride in my background, and duty to country, and the desire to serve my friends and country with honor and to bring everyone back safe and make you proud, and so the corresponding flip side is, when I haven't done enough, or I've been a shit-bag, or when I didn't get things to work out, I just feel worse about myself and the entire GBOS (giant ball of shit-WPost-Auerbach I believe) of Iraq. This interesting dynamic has followed me my entire Army career, but it is especially bad when in a combat zone and good Marines have died terribly violent deaths. Marines deserve all the praise they can get.

And then a little bird told me I was making the most of a terrible situation, and not to be too hard on myself, which made me feel much much better.

And did I mention the Steelers won and are going to the Super Bowl? Jonnycakes, you'll be a God if your friends swing you some tickets.

I missed keeping up on all of the blogs while I was gone. Although if I got a Blackberry and hooked it up to the sat phone, that would be a pretty amusing uplink. Maybe it might work. Anyone up on Thuraya or Iridium technology?

2006-01-23T02:03:00.000+03:00

Go Steelers.

2006-01-10T00:43:00.000+03:00

Well change of plans today, and I will be out of touch and without internet access for awhile. Not sure when I will be back in touch-it could be a few days or even a week or more.

So until then, thanks for all the well-wishes and the thoughts from everyone. It means a lot.

2006-01-09T02:07:00.000+03:00

Random thoughts in another day.

I spend a lot of time wondering how I ended up here. And replaying events in my head.

Just so you know, I don't really feel like a hero. Or even a very good soldier sometimes.

I don't go out of the wire every day, though I do a lot more than most.

Most of the Marines are really tough, and I respect them for that.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing all I can, and other times I think I've missed the boat on a few things.

Everything is relative when it comes to Iraq. You don't really know what it's all about until you are doing it. Performance is dictated by a lot of variables.

I don't feel hardened, or like I have tons of combat experience. I do feel like being here 6 months is an awfully long time.

When I see all of the mounting deaths, with 30 already in January, I wonder what in the hell is going on and if is will ever "calm down" in Iraq.

Some of my friends leave in January and I hope they get the hell outta here ok.

The deaths lately have been hard to read about, and I always check the casualty lists for my friends that are here. Just about every day I go up and down. Sometimes I am having a really good day and I think that everything will be ok, other times I can barely get out of bed. Sometimes false bravado is all I can show for myself, or those around me, while other times it is real bravado.

I really wonder in the privacy of my thoughts, how I will make it through another 6 months of life in Iraq. It seems really long. Days can go by quick, and some drag like an eternity.

Then I see the guys just rotating in for a one year tour, and I remember someone always has it worse.

My friend has this on his wall, and I try to recite it to make it through, whether it's an hour, or a day. Contentment is hard to reach, sometimes it feels impossible, and sometimes I make it there.

"For I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I do not refer to this through fear of privation, for I have learned, whatever be my outward experiences, to be content."
Phil 4:11

A year in Iraq is really hard on some of the people that never expected it to be like this. I never expected a lot of the stuff that goes on, so I know it must be a total shock for many of the people that rotate in and out of this country on duty.

My civilian friends who have known me all my life can barely relate to some of my experiences, so it must be hard for others who have no concept of the military to grasp what Iraq is like?

I live in a tiny plywood shack that is barely 4 feet by 7 feet, with 5 other guys crammed in on top of me. Solitude is hard to find.

The Iraqis filled the showers with 800 gallons of water and it was gone in a few hours. Another week without water in our showers then? We try to scam water elsewhere on camp, but as you may know, this is a desert, and water is hard to come by.

Driving around in the Iraqi Nissan trucks on camp, I wonder how they do it every day on patrol.

The camp fires have been very large lately-I guess they are cold right now.

It finally started to rain here. I haven't really seen anything but a few sprinkles since July.

I am glad I get to watch the Steelers play. Though Cincy is looking really tough right now.

Helicopter crashes suck bad.

We talk a lot about when we will be replaced and who will do it. There are always rumors about people being here looking into replacing us. It will happen when it happens.

2006-01-09T00:56:00.000+03:00

More bad news. That sucks.

2006-01-08T06:21:00.000+03:00

The insurgents are trying to shake up the country a bit. We shall see how this all plays out-the nationwide intelligence shows a bit of a spike in attacks.

The biggest thing is going to be how the political process plays out over the next few months. The Sunnis and the Shias and the Kurds all have to learn to play nice together and create some type of stable government.

I have nothing to do with that, this is out of our briefings and what I've read.

2006-01-08T02:24:00.000+03:00

These people have sacrificed for all of us.

5 January 2006

Corporal Albert Pasquale Gettings
Specialist Ryan D. Walker
Sergeant Jason Lopezreyes
Lieutenant Colonel Michael E. McLaughlin
Sergeant Adam Leigh Cann
Private Robbie M. Mariano
Sergeant Johnny J. Peralez Jr.
Sergeant 1st Class Stephen J. White
Captain Christopher P. Petty
Major William F. Hecker III

2006-01-08T02:00:00.000+03:00

Power is out frequently now. I saw some news about how fuel is in a severe shortage in Iraq right now. There are a lot of long lines around the local gas stations as people wait to fill up. Probably some of them are close to a mile long with cars and trucks just waiting to get some gas.

There sure have been a lot of attacks lately, in both Al Anbar and Baghdad. A lot of people, both civilian and military, have lost their lives.

2006-01-07T08:08:00.000+03:00

Thanks for all of the comments and emails-to my friends and family and those crazy bloggers out there-you guys rock-you know who you are!

I'm surprised any fighting gets done over here keeping up with you!

Thanks for making my day. Again-you all know who you are.

2006-01-07T06:04:00.000+03:00

Some nice quotes that keep me going, and I never realized the value until now.

"I do not know the dignity of their birth, but I do know the glory of their death. They died, unquestioning, uncomplaining, with faith in their hearts, and on their lips the hope that we would go on to victory. Always for them: Duty, Honor, Country. Always their blood, and sweat, and tears, as we sought the way and the light and the truth." --General Douglas MacArthur

Quoted to me by my friend, Modern Day Stonewall

A personal favorite I am revisiting:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

Theodore Roosevelt
"Citizenship in a Republic,"
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

2006-01-07T00:04:00.000+03:00

To the anonymous asshole that posted this comment on my blog--I want to share it with everyone that reads my blog. I would also like to answer all of your charges, so that you will know the truth.

ANONYMOUS Asshole said, on Friday, January 06, 2006 7:01:14 PM:

"You are a fraud and a clown. Tell me, how can you be playing with a camera at the same time you are supposed to be performing your duties? There is no way you can be performing your duties in a combat situation while you are playing with a camera. Seems to me someone has to pull your weight while you are playing games. I am deployed here and I would not hesitate to bring you up on charges if I witnessed you and such negligence. My prediction: you will get yourself or one of your fellow soldiers killed or wounded because you do not have the requisite combat mindset. You are a dead man walking. I'm guessing you are National guard or reserves...either way you are certainly not a professional. You are a moron."

ANON-You are a fraud and a clown.

CS--A fraud I am not. I am one of the more genuine guys you'll ever meet. A clown-yes sometimes I fear that I am a clown. I often joke around too much, I am sarcastic, I mock some of those things that should not be mocked, and that you would find disgusting. In fact, I mock people like you, who go through life with a big green weenie shoved up their ass, and who become bitter through their constant struggle with the iron-clad fidelity (and futility) that all rules must be followed-like an un-thinking robot.

ANON- Tell me, how can you be playing with a camera at the same time you are supposed to be performing your duties? There is no way you can be performing your duties in a combat situation while you are playing with a camera.

CS-Actually, one of my soldiers was filming. I was actually doing my job by spotting incoming rounds on the rooftop, while also directing on the radios. Before you denigrate one of my soldiers, this was condoned by myself, by my boss, and the 1SG. If you really knew what had gone on, instead of a one paragraph blurb on my blog, you would know it made no difference if he was filming or not. But you are an ill-informed (anon) asshole, so who could blame you?

I made sure that the boss of my boss saw the video later too. He was so informed. My chain of command also know about this blog and check it regularly-I'll make sure to point out to my boss the next time he reads you think he should relieve me.

Actually, one of the finest, most tactically sound, and most virtuous USMC officers I've ever worked with got blown up by an IED on patrol while filming. Does that make him a clown, ANON?? The camera actually took some shrapnel and kept his eyesight intact--is he a clown now, ANON?? What is your damn name anyway??

ANON- Seems to me someone has to pull your weight while you are playing games.

CS-Why don't you come over here and pull it then, if you think you can do better. Come walk in my shoes for 6 months in Iraq where I live, and relieve me of my duties. I have 6 months left. I don't enjoy it anyway all that much. Or come for a visit and give it a try for a week, if you think you're hot shit. However, until you get me relieved, the Army chose to put me in the position, and I'm going to do what I think is right. So bite me.

ANON--I am deployed here and I would not hesitate to bring you up on charges if I witnessed you and such negligence.

CS- Try it. I would enjoy it. I think it would add another interesting layer to my life, and I could blog about this ANON asshole that brought me up on charges.

ANON= My prediction: you will get yourself or one of your fellow soldiers killed or wounded because you do not have the requisite combat mindset. You are a dead man walking.

CS About the only thing that I care about in Iraq is the lives of my fellow soldiers. I do a lot of things that a private should do, in order that my soldiers will not have to do it. What is the requisite combat mindset, anon? Why don't you inform me what it is? When there was an IED to cordon off and someone needed to go check it out, should I have sent the lowest ranking soldier out there in case it blew up? Well you know what, I sent the highest ranking guy--ME. Sorry if that offends you, but you know what-I was in charge. If you dislike that, try to get me relieved then. And when someone needed to walk close to a kill zone of an IED to direct civilian Iraqi traffic so they wouldn't get blown up by an IED--\should I have sent the lowest ranking soldier out there?? I walked my happy ass out in that kill zone and directed the traffic. You know why-becuase if I was a private, that's what I would want my leader to do for me. And I am not afraid to die (a multi-amputee-yes, but death, no). Am I a dead man walking?? That is yet to be seen, but if I die for one of my soldiers, I can think of worse ways to go. But I do know all my soldiers respect me for walking out into a kill zone (twice) instead of making them do it. And the Iraqi Officers that I went into those kill zones with would take a bullet for me, I think.

ANON-I'm guessing you are National guard or reserves...either way you are certainly not a professional. You are a moron.

CS-It's interesting you try to level this charge at me, as well as the nebulous "not a professional" charge. And as for the moron thing--good call ANON, name calling by an anonymous person. Way to go-the highest form of debate there.

Now as for the Reserve thing-which I am-I'm a reservist in name only. I've been active duty since I was 17 years old, that's over 13 years ANON. I spent one measly year in the US Army Reserves before getting activated to hell. Ya know what, the job I do here as a Reservist is much more challenging than a lot of my active duty buddies, or the active duty DEPLOYMENT that I went on to ANOTHER COMBAT ZONE. It's more difficult, it's more dangerous, and it has way more impact on both Iraq and the Iraqi Army than my friends sitting in a FOB somewhere. Or even the ones that are on patrol in Mosul, Baghdad, the western Deserts, or Tikrit.

As far as my background and all of that bull shit that doesn't really mean all that much in Iraq, on paper, I'm the real deal, the best the Army has to offer. The best schools, the best training, the best the best the best. Not saying I'm the best by any means, but, just saying-your charge is meaningless.

As far as Iraq goes-you know what, I don't shave every 24 hours-maybe 36 hours, my hair is long--Air Force long, and I wear my sunglasses on my head sometimes. You know what--I don't have a nice Army chow hall to eat in, I haven't had water in my shower for 5 days-so sometimes I don't shave out of a water bottle, my power is out constantly, there isn't a barber around much, and I live on an Iraqi camp where 10% of these assholes are suppposedly terrorists and want to kill me. So come find me and have it out with me, if you have the nuts. If you don't, bite me.

I'm glad that Reservists can get ripped from civ. life and put into hell, see civilian careers get sent down the toilet, lose 10's of thousands of dollars in Iraq, lose families that never expected this, die right beside your sorry ass in Iraq, and then still get the charge leveled at them about being national guard or reserve. You know what Anon, Reservists and NG may not be as tactically proficient as the Rangers or the 82nd AIRBORNE, but if you haven't checked lately, they've taken over 1/2 of the force structure the last year and a lot of the casualties--to give the Active Duty a break. I've seen the reservists I'm with improve greatly over 6 months. Once they figured out what active duty is all about. Sorry they don't do this every day like you. But many of them are better than many of you. The best NCOS I've ever worked with are-surprise surprise-US Army Reserve. I know-I've been both sides. You know what else? They have civilian lives and careers--THAT WENT STRAIGHT INTO THE SHITTER-when they got deployed to Iraq for 18 months (some of my soldiers alreay go the pink slips in the mail). So they took a loss in a lot of ways you just don't understand, while you blather away on my blog and make me take up valuable time to answer your silly bullshit.

So I'm waiting to hear from you Anon. I'll meet you anywhere in this country because I am not afraid. I'll drive to your FOB. I'll take an ASR flight. I'll walk=I've already done it, all around the most dangerous areas in Iraq. And I do it all with Iraqis. I get in one Hummvee and drive around on combat patrols with the Iraqi Army in their Nissan trucks that don't stop shit, yet they do it everyday as well. I walk out on patrol with dozens of Iraqis and one other American. So send me a grid, Anon tough guy. In fact, I changed my mind. I'll only meet you HALF WAY. Let's see if you can make it out there and find me. I already know I can find you.

2006-01-05T05:16:00.000+03:00

Attacks continue. They make me change my routines (no need to set alarms anymore-the explosions wake me up), and they irritate me, but they don't really bother me all that much, compared to others on post. Sometimes I wonder if I'm strange--I see guys running around and scrambling for safety-I'm grabbing my coffee cup and trying not to spill it as I walk to cover, and my computer-I'd die without that thing!-and they already stole my digital camera on New Year's Eve!

One attack months ago, the rounds were flying 15 feet in front of my face (I was on the rooftop and laughing hysterically--like I said, Apocalypse Now is what we strive for here-it's all in the image!). So anyway, the rounds are flying 15 feet in front of my face and impacting 75 feet away into the buildings around us while insurgents are attacking the gate with small arms fire and everyone of us is laughing hysterically-not fear or anger-just laughter-like what's to be afraid of? I think it's the kind of person that would sign up for the military anyway-I've told a few friends I'd rather die than be afraid.

Sometimes there is fear and anger when I am under attack, but I do my best to not give way to these feelings, lest I become a gibbering idiot or turn into one of those guys that come home and blow away their family or strangers that won't turn down the music outside.

Sometimes we can see the dust of the impact, or see the IED's explode down the road--even if you might be afraid, all you do is offer up some kind of laugh and shout something like, "Whoa! There's another one!!" I've been in one IED attack-but I have it better than some-my boss has been in 3!

My personal tally includes 8 different attacks over the last 4 days, and something like 15 different projectiles or rockets flung at or near camp, trying to kill some of us. I have lots of thoughts on this, some I can't share, but my number one thought is "irritation," like becuase I hesitate now to go for a run, or I have to put my book down, or they wake me up out of sleep. Some of the rounds have been 100 feet? 200?

I remember hearing shots one time while on patrol. My first thought was--where are bastards-I'd love to get a chance to shoot back for once. Fear wasn't even 2nd or 3rd. Not even fear that time. Maybe expectancy, or exhiliration, or anticipation (Will I see an insurgent? Will I get to fire a shot? Wonder if the bullet will hurt badly??).

Iraq IS a weird place, it's back asswards. It's like Bizzzaro World on Seinfeld (My favorite show, well that and the Simpsons). I see a lot of campfires at night time-these are the squatters on post that work here but can't leave or they'll be killed.

Local town is in an uproar. The insurgents may be banking on us to leave and wait out the US Army, but SOMEONE is out there killing people. Town leaders are being assassinated left and right. Mortar attacks are growing. A general unease among Marine Corps Officers. The dreaded word hangs out there...."civil war."

The Iraqi Officers' best guess is that these aren't insurgents-this is a local power struggle between Sunnis and Shiites to solidify power in this local town. Political power comes from the barrel of a gun around here. It's all a prelude to...'what'...is your guess as well as mine. I see the academics write a boatload about it. Like they would know what a "civl war" is. Or "war" for that matter. I offer them all this--the US Army has raised the enlistment age to 39 or 40--sign up and come find out what reality is, instead of writing about it at your desk for the Times or the Post. There's plenty of room over here for you.
The Army certainly needs the recruits. It isn't any safer as a reporter anyway--you don't have a weapon! Last reporter we had around here (a French one) got blown up by an IED.

So the door bangs shut from the concussion of another explosion. The rounds start bursting in all hours of the night and day. Men hitting the dirt to avoid shrapnel. Men in all states of dress-save one--big heavy flack vests and helmets and weapons.

I think I have become a bit immune to it all. I watch it in kind of detached amusement-like whatever will be will be. Inshallah, as they say. Sure I wear the silly flack (it's cinched tight), and I put on the dumb ass helmet that hurts my head. Carry around a weapon or two (not dusty--all cleaned up--New Year's Resolution!)

But I take one day at a time and live in the moment. I even revel a little in the attacks sometimes--like, cool, more blog material to write about! Not nearly as bad as the first few attacks back in August or Septembe-no dreaded heat to make me sweat in my gear! Maybe a twinge or two of fear, but likely not. And today was a really good day, one of the better days in Iraq, really. Even a lot of happiness and horseplay. Like the damn Air Force LT throwing super balls at me trying to spill my Diet Coke--or the pig catapult.

2006-01-03T03:26:00.000+03:00

Too busy today-we've been attacked a half dozen times or more in the last few days, more small arms fire and ground attacks, more indirect fire, mortars, rockets, the whole nine yards-it's like the insurgents picked out 2006 to come back and harass us here. Plus there is all of the stuff that goes with that--getting all your gear on, trying to figure out what in the hell is going on, waiting around to see if you need to respond to the attack, groups of men cursing at each other and cramming into vehicles and rolling out to---??? what, exactly, is always a mystery-- checking to see if everyone is ok. There were a few injuries in one of the attacks.

This is just like old times-laying in bed-huge explosions waking me up out of sleep (twice!!-the jerks!), roll out of bed, struggle into all the clothes and gear, check on everyone, bitch a lot about it. It's almost more irritating than anything, though now that I talk to a few newbies that are around here, I realize it really is dangerous, I'm just becoming immune to it all, I suppose. It's like the lack of water is more bothersome to me than the attacks. The newbies are scared. We're all like-"THIS?? This is nothing-just wait."

Tonight was a bit of madness, I guess, looking back at it all, but I never really felt anything but irritation because I had to put down my book.

_________________________

Long nights around this joint-I haven't even been to bed yet from the late night festivities.

Stayed up to watch WVU beat UGA in the Sugar Bowl--these damn insurgents tried to ruin my game with a mortar barrage late in the 4th Quarter! The Bastards! That's worse than interrupting my book--got to see the final 2 minutes though, so all is good. These guys are no joke.

2006-01-01T23:52:00.000+03:00

Attacks on the camp started back up again--great way to start the New Year! We got hit by mortars and rockets today, I suppose this is a fitting way to start 2006. No injuries at least. We hadn't received any of these in the last couple of months, after we took care of the last group of people doing this.

New Year's Eve was pretty good-we had another nice dinner and some more Iraqi men dancing at the campfire. They were checking us all out. I guess I don't really understand the Iraqi culture. The nice little old lady that does our laundry checked on one of the guys who has been sick with salmonella. Apparently, this is a no-no, and the Iraqi officers got pissed at all the Americans for having prostitutes in the barracks. Uh, she's a nice little old lady checking if he needs food. Anyway, this is a problem, I guess-but you can have man-sex at your leisure. Puzzling. And the salmonella from the chicken is nice-another great disease floating around-goes with the tuberculosis scare that's going around here.

I did have a good time, despite being eyed by the Iraqi men. Although, my coat and my digital camera were stolen. Damn. I'll have to find more pictures of the dinner and the food that I was going to post and give out.

New Year's Resolutions:
1. Leave Iraq in 06
2. Clean my weapons more-they get dusty!
3. Try to call family more.
4. Live each day for the moment.
5. Stay safe.

On a bright note, though, the Steelers are looking to beat the Lions and sneak into the playoffs--yep, Steelers won and are playoff bound.

2005-12-31T23:58:00.000+03:00

Happy New Year!!

2005-12-30T23:57:00.000+03:00

This week I haven't written any new posts on the blog-it isn't that there's nothing to say, it's just that I haven't taken the time or energy to write everything down.

Things here are going pretty well. We are gearing up for the New Year's holiday, as much as one can in the middle of an Iraqi camp in Iraq.

2005-12-26T21:18:00.000+03:00

Christmas Day was a nice slow holiday off. What did it feel like to spend Christmas in Iraq?? Well, it didn't really feel like Christmas, that's for sure. It felt like some kind of holiday, and we had a turkey feast that the Iraqis prepared for us, and I have a Christmas tree up and I opened a lot of presents, but it still didn't feel like Christmas. I did get to call home and talk to my family and friends, which was nice. That doesn't always fit the bill for meeting that desire to spend Christmas with your family, though. Crazy Girl wrote a post about her time deployed at Christmas, as well.

I had a ton of nice packages to open-thanks, guys. The pecans and cashews are just fabulous (I'd say I've eaten at least 15 pounds of nuts since July). I got some a great Steelers sweat suit for laying around the barracks, and a ton of great food, plus some gourmet coffee from Starbucks. I still have packages hung up in the US mail, so those will be nice to get in early 2006 if they don't get here this week.

The Iraqis made dinner for us, which was nice in itself. The colonel bought two wild turkeys out in town-one spent the week tied up outside my window, waking me up with all his clucking. I have a couple of pictures to post if I can figure out how to get them onto the blog. The feast was prepared and laid out on a long table, shared between all my guys and the Iraqi staff. The meal was eaten in a communal style, with the lamb and the turkey laid out on huge plates of rice. All of the meat was of pretty good quality plus there was fresh baked flat bread, fresh vegetables, and chai to drink after. Everyone ate with their hands, by ripping off chunks of flat bread and placing the rice and meat into the bread.

Later that night, I watched the Steelers crush the Browns (tape delay).

My friends at work sent me some fresh pumpkin bread. This is so awesome, because they know I love pumpkin and they wanted to make sure I got to eat something with pumpkin in it. That was a pretty nice surprise.

I saw where I had a visitor from Edingen-Neckarhausen, Germany. That's interesting because I lived a year in Edingen.

The last week has been pretty interesting, with the Christmas Eve IED scare and then party that night, male Iraqis sexing us up while dancing, and then Christmas day. We've also had an unusual lack of utilities this week. 1st the power is out, then no water, then no power, and then both. We just got water back after 2 days out, plus no power intermittenly over that time period.

The rats have made it into the barracks too! That sucks-I woke up last night at 0500 as the guy next to me scrambled around fighting with the rat in his food. Great-these things are as big as cats, too. Sucks!

2005-12-25T02:31:00.000+03:00

Christmas Eve is here. Well now it is Christmas day, early, here in Iraq. It has been an eventful few days.

I spent the daylight hours running around in this hell hole of a country. Christmas Eve in Iraq-not a snowflake in sight-the weather was perfect, really, sunny, bright, probably mid-70s. Air conditioning on.

Running down the highway, avoiding major roads that were shut down becuase of huge road side bombs placed onto them. Taking new routes that take us out of our way.

Then we found ourselves caught up in our own roadside bomb scare. Stopping traffic ourselves on a major Iraqi highway. Directing traffic. Boots on the ground. Running around, searching cars. Pointing my very loaded and lethal weapon at people and vehicles. Shots fired. Thinking I was going to get blown up for a good half hour. Waiting for the end of my life. Wondering how painful it would be. Waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

Finally getting back to our home base.

A nice banquet put on for the Americans at night for Christmas Eve. Steak for Christmas Eve dinner. And hot dogs. Who knew Iraqis could make pork taste so good?? LOL

Standing around the camp fire. Iraqi men and women dancing by the camp fire. Dancing on tables.

Then, just Iraqi men dancing together. Dirty dancing together. Hmmm. This was a bit odd. Two or three men dancing together around the campfire. One beckons to me. Calls me out to dance with him. Hmm, this is quite uncomfortable. Now I know how a woman feels about unwanted advances! LOL I apologize to all those women who I hassled without knowing it. There are a few that come to mind-LOL-more apologies in my head.

And then, an Iraqi male came out of nowhere wearing an honest to goodness skirt. He starts dancing seductively (please, oh please, don't try to dance with me!). He looks at me, moves on--guess I'm not his type-LOL. He starts dancing in front of my Army buddy. Faces away from my Army friend, glances over his shoulder at my freind and tries to look seductiive (Is this really happening??). Bends completely over, lifts up his skirt, and tells my Army buddy to do naughty things to him at the camp fire. Is this really happening?? We leave out of there really quick; my friend's face is beet red.

Hey, that was Christmas Eve in Iraq. It all began to feel so normal, too, which is the scariest thing. The shots fired, the fear of explosions, waiting to die, and the odd Iraqi man love that always seems to be part of my life here.

Christmas Day I am not leaving post unless I absolutely have to!!

Merry Christmas! LOL

2005-12-23T21:09:00.000+03:00

Christmas is almost here and this will be the second Christmas away from family since I've been in the US Army. I'm feeling pretty good about it right now, as far as that goes--and I have a TON of presents that arrived in the mail drop today.

US operations continue in and around the area, though the emphasis has shifted to Iraqi-lead or Iraqi-only operations.

The prayer criers have been especially mournful lately, particularly at 0530. For some reason, these guys are really giving me goose bumps-the wails and cries carry far in the desert and they are very foreign to me. Lately, I've taken to sleeping with my pistol strapped on my body. It isn't really necessary; I just feel better about laying down to sleep with a loaded weapon, for some reason-like a security blanket!

Added to the normal prayer cries in the morning hours, now we have this turkey clucking around, as well. The Iraqi officers bought us a turkey to cook for Christmas, so this guy is running around outside and making quite a racket in the morning. He really has no idea about what the future has in store for him.

Mickey (the Mouse) has been quite lucky in avoiding the traps set by the guys. He's one of the smart ones, I guess. I saw him climbing the screen in the window today, so he's getting in and out pretty easily now.

And, of course, the elections continue to unfold with everything that is going on in Iraq. A lot of it depends on the Iraqi religious affiliation or secular stance (separation of church and state and the role of the Koran in the Iraqi government). A lot of the Iraqi officers make comments about the winning party, 555, and the fact that they are heavily influenced by Shia Islam and want the government to be more Koranic than secular.

Any time Iraqis are involved there are always rumors, as well. The big thing in the US press (I try to read the Post and Times daily) is that Iraq will split up along cultural divides (Sunnis, Shias, Kurds). Much of the press is on local tribal militias and of mini-fiefdoms popping up within Iraq (prelude to the dreaded Iraqi Civil War). The fear is that each town or populated area will field their own small army and help plunge the country into this civil war I keep reading about.

So, you can imagine what I thought when the Iraqis burst into mad activity the other night while saying there were 200 armed militia-men in town, demonstrating over the outcomes of the election in the town square. Yes, this did elevate tensions just a bit as everyone got all their gear on and we game planned what we would do as hundreds of armed Iraqi soldiers with AK-47s loaded up into trucks and streamed out the gate into town. Luckily, this was a false alarm and there was nothing--however, it took about an hour to get settled down and back into routine.

All of this leads me to comment on Christmas-it will be a bit strange to be in such a foreign place for Christmas, not to mention 'fighting' in a war while I'm at it. Normally Christmas would consist of spending time with my family in WV while eating a nice dinner and opening presents, perhaps attending the candle-light service on Christmas Eve. Not planning operations for war and cleaning my weapon and shooting at the firing range and all those other normal soldier activities that aren't even normal this year, since they have been Iraqi-fied. Combined with the desert weather, it just makes for an interesting Christmas season, is all.

Merry Christmas and safe travels in your Holiday plans. I'll be here in Iraq thinking of all of you.

2005-12-22T02:26:00.000+03:00

Missions continue around the area, as well as my informal election coverage with the Iraqi Army.

One recent mission that we went on actually made my day. This might have been my best day so far in Iraq, for sure. It was more like a Christmas in Iraq than anything else. We spent the day involved on a public relations patrol with the Iraqi Army.

Most of the time American soldiers are driving around on combat missions with the Iraqi Army but sometimes we take the opportunity to help out the children and others in the area. Winning the hearts and minds, as they say.

We are fortunate that the area we are in is relatively peaceful, thanks to the Iraqi Army taking charge of the town we live in.

During the patrol, we visited a few families that we had seen before. We visited to check up on an older man with a club foot and gave him some medical treatment. The Iraqi's have so many children--they are the stereo-typical Third World country, where a large portion of the population is under 18. One small child almost toppled over from all of the presents we gave him. It was a very nice sight, to see the Iraqi officer and my soldier caring for the Iraqi family.

We moved on into downtown, to visit a few more families and pass out gifts. It really was set up like some kind of combat Christmas parade. The Iraqi soldiers probably didn't even realize how ironic that was, as they tossed out candy, food, and cokes to all the children that ran out to the streets as we drove by.

The Iraqi children really do live in desperate conditions. I'm always reminded in every deployment I make with the Army how truly lucky I am to be from the United States of America. The streets they live in are choked with trash and the homes are almost always run down. sometimes the kids in the street aren't wearing any clothes. They almost always look happy to see us though.

We passed out hundreds of cola, candy, cereal, lots of food, and water. The mobs and hordes of kids were just impressive.

We went through the local market and the Iraqi soldiers even stopped for some falafel and kebabs. It was interesting standing in the falafel stand watching the TV and drinking tea. Although I was glad they didn't linger too long, just in case there were a few insurgents running around.

2005-12-19T02:38:00.000+03:00

Sometimes I sit and listen to music and try to relate it to life and how I feel. Or to calm me down. I usually spend some amount of my night immersed in my own thoughts and somewhat distant from my surroundings. That, combined with my tendencies to have unnatural night terrors, has earned me quite a reputation.

I know that one day I will look back on the pain and agony that I endure here in Iraq and laugh. I also know that I will become a better person because of all the trying times. I am already a better leader for all of the things that have happened here, from the good times, the mistakes, and the triumphs. The Army is an amazing organization composed of one million separate and distinct individuals. All of these individuals come with their own unique personalities, and strengths, and weaknesses. Just the variety of the group I am with strikes me as impressive, and we are a small element. How we fit together and interact is, in itself, a case study of psychology. Throw in the war and the death and the confusion and things can get very messy. Though interesting.

I often find myself expressing an unusual amount of love for people. You might find this strange, or not, considering that I am in the Army. At times, I have the most random urges to hug people. This is a relatively new phenomenon for me. I've hugged a few US Marines, for Pete's sake, now tell me THAT doesn't get some strange looks! Right or wrong, I find that if I let myself, I'll spend a rather large chunk of time each day thinking about death and how it would affect me, whether I were to die or some of those around me. The best and worst of men and their personalities often come out, sometimes within a few minutes or hours of each other. Now I wonder what they would do if I told them that I love them? I've told a few people, kinda out of the blue, I'm sure they're like "WTF?". Once, someone said, "You're not going to hug me, are you?" Hey, life is short, never know what will happen, you know.

Competition and conflict make up much more of my day than kisses and hugs, I'm afraid (except for those wonderful moments of Iraqi man love). The natural human urge to compete brings conflict and the war just represents the ultimate in human competition. Unfortunately, losing in this competition is a little worse than a football game. "Do you want to go to another memorial for the Marines?" Ah, no, not really. I don't know if I'll hold it together in this one. Think I'll sit out, thanks. The competition here becomes apparent in every facet of life, which is why the Army is all about conflict. Give a bunch of guys weapons, a lot of bullets, and tell them they are killers. Put them into a war zone. Put them in a state of sheer boredom, cram them together in living spaces, and then throw them into precarious positions that may or may not materialize into danger. Repeat the process day after day. When the danger appears where I am in Iraq, you never get to see anyone, you never get to shoot back. We run into some of the most catastrophic road side bombs that the insurgents can build. Bombs that take the lives of 4, 5, 6, 10 individuals. In the blink of an eye they are removed from the Earth in front of you. Some survivors will be covered in a red haze. Someone will spend the rest of the day picking of the pieces. Some of the guys around here have been hit by multiple roadside bombs, thanking their lives for the armor of their hummvees. Just on election day some got hit twice in one day.

I can't really say or not if I am going on some kind of crazy binge (again Catch 22 comes to mind), but I certainly find it intellectually curious. Besides the random urges to hug people, I find that the violence of Iraq brings the opposite effect, where I am so casually violent inside of my head that I'm ready to assault people. Punching someone's lights out is such a comforting thought, at times, that we ordered up some boxing gloves in case the urge gets really bad. This deep red rage is a bit more disconcerting than the urge to hug people. Glare downs, stand offs, standing rigid with anger, fists clenched in rage. People walk away. In a normal civilian setting I'd feel guilty, here I feel a certain sense of satisfaction, a gloating, a sense of being dominant over another male; yeah I'd kick your ass right now and you know it. Not exactly what I call home to tell Mom about. And I don't call her enough either-totally my fault.

These are more thoughts in a random day in Iraq. I'm conflicted, what can I say. It's therapeutic to write about it here. I have more to write on the elections and more to write on missions.
So this is modern warfare, where I write a blog about what I do and how I feel. I haven't mailed a single real letter home, I don't think. I think emails total well over 1,000. Probably pushing 2,000 really.

2005-12-18T02:36:00.000+03:00

I'll follow up with more on the election and what is to follow. There is lots of positive news from the press, from American military officers, and of course the Iraqi military perspective.

For those new to the blog, I work as an advisor attached to the Iraqi Military, so I just tag along wherever they go and help out on the missions. We live with them and share their life. It can be both trying and exciting. Then again, so can't Iraq itself.

My complete tour is now over half way-so I'm past the hump. Which is good news. Need to figure out that count down clock on Eunuch's blog.

2005-12-17T03:13:00.000+03:00

Elections turned out to be a big hit in the entire country. Our little part of the country is in a heavy Sunni area in Al Anbar province and right near the heart of the entire insurgency so it was comforting that there was not much violence to begin with and that everyone voted.

Americans played very few roles in the entire election process. The International Election Committee ran the polling sites and security was almost 100% Iraqi Army and Iraqi Police. The American Forces spent a large portion of the time pulling outer security, shutting down borders, maintaining curfews (nationwide curfew was imposed for 2 days, as well as a ban on all vehicular traffic for regular Iraqis to avoid the use of the vehicle bomb). For the most part the Iraqis did everything.

I personally spent the time on standby, if needed (I wasn't). Americans stayed off the streets as much they could.

The day started out much like the last election day-a lot of apprehension followed by a wave of voters followed by a day of peaceful voting. There isn't much more I can say about that and how happy we all were. Polls were filled.

My Iraqi soldiers were responsible for a number of polling sites, over a dozen or so. They usually polled in the regular places you would poll in the states-schools, governement buildings, larger places that gave room to vote (community centers etc). We found a number of roadside bombs the night before that were rigged to blow up on voters on election day; these were destroyed in place. One polling site was partially blown up but was fixed throughout the day so it was still used. There were not a lot of shots fired. We had no attacks during the voting and we did not lose any Iraqi soldiers in my area. I saw one American soldier was killed by a roadside bomb in the country.

The Iraqis turned out in force to vote. I saw where something over 70% of the country voted. From the Iraqi soldier point of view, there are pros and cons to the parties that won big in the elections (or are projected to win). Since most Iraqis cannot read, the parties and candidates are identified on the ballots as numbers. Even with a number of polling sites not opening in Al Anbar due to security they still voted in large numbers in the Sunni areas. This is very good news for both the country and US Forces. Political experts predict the government will form a number of coalitions and begin the process of governing.

Make no mistake, this is a very big deal to the Iraqis. My Iraqi soldiers turned out to vote in huge numbers on post and they love having that ink stain on their fingers. Of course there are jokes at times about the election and the vote and if it will change things, but they still got out to vote. Not a lot of jokes though. And they do want to be like America in a lot of ways. If they chose not to vote, it was more out of sheer laziness than no desire to vote.

2005-12-16T22:55:00.000+03:00

I'm afraid the election AAR isn't quite done yet. All you weekday blog at work readers will have to check back on Monday.

2005-12-16T05:25:00.000+03:00

Elections were a big success around the area. No attacks, lots of voters. More on this in a bit, I need to talk to some of the folks that were spread out.

But, holy cow, this big ass rat climbed out of our air conditioning unit today. How did he get out of that thing?? I have no idea. I live in a stupid zoo in here. What with all this food laying around I guess it makes sense that we attract pets.

2005-12-15T01:09:00.000+03:00

More explosions and roadside bombs today. Then, a quick break for the internet cafe! Big day tomorrow-get out and vote, everyone.

Some of my guys got hit by a roadside bomb. This is a normal conversation now, to compare our IED attacks and make notes.

The phyics are interesting-you get the smoke and the metal hitting all around you before you actually hear the sound of the explosion. If you hear the explosion-you know you made it through ok. Wiggle the hands and feet to make sure you have all the parts.

Anyway, sometimes my friends ask me about the boredom combined wiht the danger and how people avoid from going crazy. We're all crazy in some ways out here. If they really only knew the stories I could tell. That's just the way it is.

2005-12-14T01:04:00.000+03:00

I've been busy getting ready for elections. Early elections today for the soldiers and Iraqis in 15 countries, and plenty of attacks and explosions in the area; insurgents must be getting ready, too.

2005-12-12T03:49:00.000+03:00

As soon as I can I'll fill you in on the details for other missions that we did and the election.

2005-12-12T03:33:00.000+03:00

Things have been good today-working through problems for the election. Generally a good day.

2005-12-11T01:35:00.000+03:00

Now I'm hooked on this stupid-ass site meter, and mult-posting in one day-and, then, I realized, the other people with site meters will know me immediately, and how often I check their sites as I keep myself occupied (read my next post). Damn it!<a

2005-12-11T00:51:00.000+03:00

A big suicide vehicle bomb exploded in the area near Baghdad. It wounded a lot of people and killed one American soldier.

Plenty of irritation around the camp today. Most of the American and Iraqi forces on camp have started to get on each other's nerves. The close living conditions, lack of some creature comforts, the boredom, the frustration, and the real or imagined danger all add up to hostility.

That is what the life around here is like. A slow daily grind that just eats at you as life moves on. Of course, this can be punctuated by the quick-moving times of danger and moving around on patrols. I know that other service members and family members know what I mean. Every day I wake up, glance at the clock, think about going back to sleep, pull myself out of bed, and then look at the calendar and my countdown clock (still haven't manipulated my html code yet, Eunuch). The days run together, and it is now almost Christmas. Merry Christmas. Bah, Humbug. Doesn't feel like Christmas today.

Plus add in the conflict. Yes, the conflict that lies just below the surface and bubbles up every so often in flash arguments. Everyone here is a hero and the next best thing to sliced bread. Throw all these people together in a mini-pressure cooker--fun fun fun.

So off it goes onto another day of tedium. Hey, I'm 45 minutes into another day of mind-numbing existence. The normal routine seems especially deadening today. Too many days to count until freedom from this existence.

A big rat trapped himself between the window and the sandbags outside. That provided 30 minutes of fun in an otherwise dull and lifeless day that crept along, never ending.

2005-12-10T03:31:00.000+03:00

The Iraqis have a restaurant in Baghdad that is like "Hooters." Unfortunately, not safe for American soldiers to visit at this time.

2005-12-10T01:11:00.000+03:00

One thing I love is watching actors or singers or talking heads comment on the troops' morale overseas, and how "the troops" want this, or "the troops" want that. I feel like a damn zoo animal over here. Did any of these people actually talk to some troops to see how they feel??

2005-12-09T22:36:00.000+03:00

Camel spiders revisited (this question does pop up from time to time).

2005-12-09T04:11:00.000+03:00

Mickey (the Mouse) might be done in now-the guys are pissed-he's been running loose tonight in all their crap-they swear traps will be set, now, I'm afraid I can no longer protect him-though I've been feeding him under my bed.

No more writing about women's shoes, though. Dear Lord, did THAT put some email into my inbox. Sheesh.

I'm sticking to sand, Ak-47s, and camel spiders.

2005-12-09T03:51:00.000+03:00

Lots to write about-missions, and elections are coming up-less than one week.

2005-12-07T22:45:00.000+03:00

It is possible to send packages to me in Iraq, or anyone, really. There are also addresses for "Any soldier" or "Any Marine."

A good friend in the DC area is putting together about 300 packages for me. Ok, not just for me, for me and my friends, and the rest will go to US Marines.

For those who have expressed interest in packages-please email me-email is under my profile (emailmeiniraq1234@yahoo.com) and I will direct your contact information to my friend in DC. Anything sent will go to good use, since there are about 2,000 US Marines around here. I'm working on a Christmas list to post here.

The drop dead date for Christmas has passed, though I'm sure the packages will be well received whenever they get here, should be by the New Year.

For a number of security reasons, I will not post my address or her address on this blog.

Although I'm considering scrapping this whole anonymous thing.

Ideas for things to send:

Cookies and baked goods
Food that is packaged and won't go bad
Jerky
Boxes of cereal
Chocolate and candy in winter (won't melt)
Tuna/canned goods
Granola/nuts
Personal itesm-tootbrushes, soap, razors (Mach 3)
Coffee for coffee lovers
Warm clothes for winter
Letters and cards
Games to play
DVDs or CDs
Reading material (books, newspapers, magazines)
Socks (always exciting)

2005-12-06T23:47:00.000+03:00

Living in a combat zone does strange things to the average guy. I mean, there are the guys out there that have a death wish so they really don't care about what happens to them. And there are the guys out there who just shouldn't be in the military but are, and they could be YOUR death. And then there are the rest of us, who sit around and wonder what's going to happen each day.

Seeing grown men close to tears. Or in tears. That can tend to be a bad day.

Forcing guys out of their comfortable bed, or card game, or bowl of cereal (yes we have cereal, with shelf-stable milk-sometimes chocolate or strawberry though) to go out into the dangerous world that is Iraq-that can suck too. Don't forget that all of these guys have a family back home waiting for them. Go through the mental process to decide if it's actually worth it to draw some body bags-just in case. That's what the Army is sometimes-a big suck.

Eventually, you get (sorta) comfortable with your surroundings you're familiar with the area-you drive by a spot in the road or over a bridge and-instant recognition!-hey, someone died here. Or lost a leg. Or that's where I narrowly avoided death. It wouldn't be much different for you, on your way to work, really. Just pretend the next time you drive over a bridge on your way to work--"Last week someone lost a leg here because some asshole planted a roadside bomb on the side of the road." When you read about Marines dying-I get to actually drive by the big black spot on the road. This tends to effect everyone in some way, even the guys with a death wish.

We got out and about on our daily missions. Stop in to a local sheik's meeting. Have a hassle with them about why the war is going badly or not so badly. 2 hours of them telling you they don't want you here, while in return you tell them you agree whole-heartedly. Quit blowing people up and the Americans will leave. Get insulted for being an occupier. Take mental notes on who seems to be insurgent friendly. Take bets on who supports the insurgency and probably plots your death as you sit there. Smile and nod and think "Should I drink this tea-wonder if anything is in it?"

Try out some of our other missions for your imagination--walking your dog at night around the block? That's us on a night time patrol in Iraq. Stopping by your friend's house for dinner? That's us, stopping by with a bunch of Marines and Iraqi soldiers to interrupt their dinner and ask questions who the insurgents are. The block you live on? 1/2 of you support the insurgency, some actively. We don't know who is who, we just stop by at dinner time to ask you questions. You probably won't answer our questions truthfully, either, why would you-they'd kill you for it, if they found out.

2005-12-05T22:48:00.000+03:00

It's funny to check out the sitemeter, who knew that they were so useful? Though I'm not a stealthy stalker, it's interesting to see all the countries that are reading--Naples, you should comment! And Singapore and Malaysia-who the heck are you? And there's Germany again-Danke fur lesen.

2005-12-05T22:36:00.000+03:00

Tagged again.

2005. My year in review!

1. What did you do in 2005 that you hadn't done before?

Started this blog.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My friends Bevan and Jen--Kieran Scot

3. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes

4. Did you travel? Where did you go? Best holiday memory?

I traveled through the US, Rhode Island, LA, San Diego, Chicago, Seattle, Indiana, then Kuwait and Iraq. Best memory-4th of July with my family and friends. And the great going away parties by my company and my friends.

5. Best thing you bought?

Under armour shirts and shorts-makes this uniform feel so much better.

6. Where did most of your money go?

Drinks for friends. And gifts for friends and family.

7. What do you wish you had done more of?

Sleep.

8. What do you wish you had done less of?

Drinking.

9. What kept you sane?

My friends. And the internet. And Steelers football, until they lost two games in a row.

10. What drove you mad?

Army bureaucracy-Iraqi and US.

11. What made you celebrate?

Honestly, every night I go to bed I celebrate another day down.

12. What made you sad?

19 and 20 year old Marines that got married and bought houses and had kids and then had to give it all up.

13. How was your birthday this year?

Could have been better-radio watch in Iraq.

14. What political issue stirred you the most this year?

Yeah, war in Iraq.

15. Where you in love in 2005?

Yes.

16. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have this year?

My freedom back.

17. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why?

September 24th-got blown up by an IED and shot at. Didn't even get to shoot back.

18. What song will remind you of 2005?

Winter in July-Sarah Brightman

19. Compared to this time last year are you happier?

No.

20. Biggest achievement this year?

Not killing someone out of frustration. Or punching them out. Though I still might.

21. Biggest disappointment this year?

All of the conflict it takes to do my job.

22. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied?

End of this war and our return to the US.

23. Best new person you met this year?

All the people in the military that do what they do, for not enough money, and way too much pain.

24. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year?

If you can see them, then they can see you, too.

So, I tag:

Lizzie
Yossarian
Mr. Shife
Crazy Girl
The Toodler

Honestly, I'm supposed to pick 5, but really I understand if you are busy. This damn list is LONG!

Although I think it's damn funny Eunuch tagged Crazy Girl and I already, and did I say these lists are LONG! I mean I'm bored in Iraq, and they're long.
And Steph already took half of the people I could tag.

2005-12-04T00:41:00.000+03:00

This is a very moving tribute to my friends.

2005-12-04T00:36:00.000+03:00

Most of the time, being a soldier is boring. You sit around and wait. Or you make up dumb shit to do, which gets everyone ticked off because they know you're making up dumb shit to stay occupied. Of course, I could be much more productive, by learning more Arabic and working out twice a day, but sometimes my motivation falters, so then I just take naps and turn into a slug.

The Marines do a very good job at staying busy and keeping active. They don't play Spades, I'm afraid. They also take the fight to the enemy and sometimes they get attacked. And that's too bad. God bless their courage. Al Anbar province is dangerous, Fallujah, Ramadi, Habaniyah, Qaim, the desert-it's all dangerous.

So what is my point? Sometimes I feel very guilty sitting around playing Spades, especially when we start talking about the Marines getting into attacks.

4 normal guys sitting around playing cards, it could be the dorms of a college if you pretend (except for the stack of military communication equipment in the corner).

Then the radio will go off and it will be news of another mortar attack or firefight. If it's our unit, we scramble to help out, if it's the Marines, everyone just gets quiet and listens and hopes. Sometimes the radio traffic isn't very pleasant.

And the conversation about home or food, or beer, or normal life, or Iraq life, or women, usually turns to dying.

"I can't believe so many Marines."

"Patrols are getting deadly." {Anxious thoughts}

"I can't even imagine my wife getting a visit telling her I'm dead. My sons would grow up without a father. I can't imagine it at all."

"Thank God I have such a big insurance policy."

"Yeah, my grandpa mailed me an insurance card for some life insurance."

"My mother would totally lose it."

And so that's about the only way we talk about these things, though our thoughts are so much more vivid, and so we don't really talk about these thoughts with each other, we talk around the edges, so we don't bring each other down.

To end on a positive note, Mickey is rat sized now. He climbed up on one guy's desk and ate the whole end off of a banana. Two of the guys heard him eating and just pulled the covers up over their heads. Ok, kidding, but they didn't even realize it was Mickey, he was eating so loudly, they thought it was one of the guy's getting a midnight stack. Disturbing.

2005-12-03T02:50:00.000+03:00

There's a lot to write about, but for now I will be silent. Recent news from Iraq is too sad.

2005-11-30T02:54:00.000+03:00

Well my friends are totally busting on me and have accused me of turning this blog from a war blog into a dating blog. For those of you casual readers that didn't know it before-I like women's shoes. A lot. I like women wearing shoes. Whatever. I'm not into guys. And, for whatever reason, I get more comments from women than men (thank God for MrShife and DT). I have nothing to do with this fact, whatsoever-they are the readers who choose to comment. I have a good blog relationship with a very cool Aussie named Steph but I got sidetracked by a wayward glance at another pair of shoes, Manolos R For Life, thereby proving for Meghan, that blogging is just like real life. This is my blog life, and it is, at times, escapism. I've never met MrShife, DT, Steph, Meghan, or Manolos. They could be fictional computer generated people for all I know.

So how to turn this back into a war blog about my real life?

Well today I thought about how terrible the waiting is in Iraq. I woke up late to go watch the Steelers play (I didn't bother getting up, because I heard they were getting crushed-the Colts and the Patriots really have our number), then I went back to bed in a fit of depression. I slept in, got busted on for sleeping, because in the military, everyone thinks you have to get up at 5 am or you are lazy. I tried to break out of my terrible depression, I yelled at some of my friends in a Spades game because I didn't process all of my anger for being in such a shit hole and I took it out on the other players, I sat down on my bed and thought about going crazy (a la Catch 22), I managed to shave by 4 pm (or 1600 for the military types) and on the way to the terrible Arabic latrine that I share with Iraqis, I got busted on by an Iraqi officer for sleeping in and not shaving. I contemplated punching said officer in the face and how wonderful it would be to take out all of my agression on him, to pound him into the ground and dominate him, to rage all over him and crush him, to put all that skill I learned from boxing to work and hit him with my best right cross, to stand over him with my fists balled up in frustration and taunt him about how 6 or 7 of my friends have died in his shit hole country, so if I want to sleep in and not shave until 4 pm (feeling civilian right now) then that's my right and instead of playing ping pong and busting on me, he could get out and kill a few insurgents, since I've actually gone on many more patrols than he has and this is his freaking country. I also thought, with glee, how everyone would just stare at me while I beat the shit out of this guy, because stuff like that really doesn't happen, though the after effects wouldn't benefit me in the least. This delicious day dream took me into the early evening. In fact, if I think about it right now, I can imagine my fist crushing his face right now, and how much pleasure that would give me-for those who know me-I'm sorry--this is a violent day dream--if violence bothers you, don't read a war blog, go read a dating blog or a sex blog; then again, I'm in a violent place with few outlets for my rage.

All of this is occurring in a relatively normal day, where I just played a few card games and did a little bit of work.

Then I thought some more about the dangers that we face every day in Iraq, how terrible it will be if one of the guys around here gets shot up and dies, how much my family would be down if I got shot up, how awful it looked on the TV to see amputees in the Walter Reed hospital trying to put their lives back together while in therapy, rolling around on the floor with just stumps for legs, how I really like to run and I think it would be hard to run with two prostethics for legs, and they'd probably fly off while I'm running, and then that would be humiliating, and who would help me put them back on while I'm running on the Mall in DC-some of those people don't even want me to be here, and Iraq is just a headline in the Post, and why a Marine turned Congressman who served in both Korea and Vietnam is a coward for asking about Iraq, how people around my Iraqi town are starting to get a bit antsy and some more good Marines died around here, that the boring waiting is worse at times, that I can't even begin to express what living in a war zone is like. It isn't dangerous for me, most of the time, just in my head, but it is dangerous for all of us living over here. We don't mind protecting freedom but we don't want to die, really. Then I thought about finding that Iraqi officer again and forcing a violent confrontation, becaues the Army is about violence and confrontation.

So then I headed to the internet to continue my escapism and to pretend that I live in a cool city like NYC, DC (oh wait, I do live in DC) or Montreal, that I have a real life instead of a virtual life, that leaving camp doesn't entail putting on a ton of gear, a stupid ass helmet that hurts my head, two weapons with lots of bullets in them, and driving around with a bunch of Iraqi soldiers in tow, hoping to avoid a roadside bomb that might take my legs off and looking for insurgents to shoot up, even though we never see any.

My blog is my escape. It is my expression of myself in a war zone. It is, as it says at the top, one guy's thoughts over a year deployment to Iraq. I don't write real letters home, I don't call my Mom enough, and I sleep in. If you don't like it, then I'll punch you in the face. Or at least think about punching you in the face.

2005-11-28T04:45:00.000+03:00

Semper Fi.

2005-11-27T03:00:00.000+03:00

I'm sitting here watching college football and I really just feel kinda shitty right now, what with Thanksgiving and all come and gone, and now Christmas coming up.

This is always my favorite time of the year and it sucks to be away from my family. All those things I wanted to do are just put on hold for now.

Crazy Girl wrote a post on this, of deployments past, and how it feels to be away, putting on that big shit-eating grin and making the most of it. That's all you can do, you know, is make the most of it-otherwise you'll just feel worse and bring your buddies down too.

2005-11-26T03:17:00.000+03:00

For those who read regularly, you know I am a big fan of women in shoes. Or a woman in shoes. Or women's shoes. Or all of the above. Or whatever.

So I thought it was very funny to find I'm linked to a blog titled Love Those Shoes, written by "Manolos R My Life."

With that, I cannot resist but tag Manolos R My Life.

Dear Manolos,

You rock. Please let me say that if you ever come to DC again (like next summer anyway) than I would like to invite you out to a number of places that will appreciate how a wonderfully dressed woman from Akron, Ohio is.

I always had a soft spot for such women from the MidWest, and I do believe you are one of those.

Please remember me, fighting for you, over here (there) or whatever.

Signed
A lonely soldier in Iraq.

PS I don't know you, but I know what you are wearing. Very fine taste, indeed. Forget that boy who hunts. I live in DC, and I can afford your taste in shoes after all this money I made tax free in Iraq.

2005-11-25T13:20:00.000+03:00

So the mouse runs out from under my bed and along the base board, and one of the guys says, "Do you know there's this big ass mouse living under your bed? I just saw him run out along the baseboard?"

Uh, yeah it's a long story. We got pets, plenty of them.

2005-11-25T12:44:00.000+03:00

Well, Happy Thanksgiving late to everyone, I was going to post last night, but I fell asleep after we ate dinner and didn't wake up for 12 hours.

We had a nice Thanksgiving dinner at the mess hall, and there was plenty of food (turkey, cornish hen, prime rib, ham, stuffing, lobster, crab legs, shrimp, pumpkin pie-I could go on about how much food there was). I had a pleasant time and good company so that made it better.